Book excerpt

Excerpt by Mareike (Name changed)
You sit in your flat and scan the things surrounding you. The light dims and you see less and less, until nothing’s left. That’s what depression feels like. It’s complete darkness. You drop into a hole, a dark, black hole. You’re stuck within yourself, inside your own personal torture chamber.

At first, I wasn’t able to do anything; nothing at all. I couldn’t even take out the trash. Walking up four floors – how would I manage? My (boy)friend said: “I cannot stand the face you pull.” I looked in the mirror and was shocked. The corners of my mouth were sagging and my eyes had turned to two black holes – dull. I had collapsed. I thought: you’re trash. For hours on end, I’d sit on the sofa. I felt beat, too beat to raise my arm. It was as if a medicine ball was pushing them down. I only wanted to sleep, rest, but rest I found nowhere.

At one point, I thought that I began to crumble on the inside and my soul had cracked. I knew that once I had been happy, but now I wasn’t anymore. To fight, to get enraged, to feel – there was nothing.
The body shuts down and so does the soul – it stands still. Depression is like a winter sleep, but whilst you’re at it, it feels more like a death sleep. I wondered: Who am I if I can’t feel?